Another Reason to Cheer for the Cubs
My cousins were in town. Cousins are a different type of relative. They're like “breakfast.” You can either take it or leave it. And if cousins are like breakfast, these particular ones are bacon. Crispy, cured bacon. When they’re around the aroma’s better. You like yourself better. You can’t resist them. They’re the perfect life side dish. Besides, eating isn’t just a necessity, it’s an art form. And if eating is an art form, my cooking resembles Vincent Van Gough.
“Mom, what is that?” I’m definitely an impressionist. These cousins are also Cubs fans. Who knew that would fall into favor? So when we piled together to watch the Cubbies play the Phillies in September, a wager was in order. The prize? The loser would buy the winner a regional care package. The stipulation was you had to be able to send it via the United States Postal Service. Considering you can buy a mail order bride, that didn’t really narrow the prize. There’s nothing that pigeonholes a gender like the concept of buying it in bulk. Then a thought crossed my mind: Can I get one? I want my own personal wife too. Now that same sex marriage is legal, why can’t I? That’s the next wave. Marrying the same sex as a personal assistant. Hell, I could use two. One for me, one for my dog. Hey, pets have feelings too. And I’ll check with Kim Davis. If she knew she could have her own, she might loosen up about gay marriage. Since women are more critical of other women, we’d probably be better at picking a wife for ourselves than we did a husband.
If I order one, is it politically incorrect to be picky or it just asinine? Does she come from a long line of tidy people? Is she trained? Hell, that’s more than my husband got. Did she take a course? Was she in the honors program? Does she know Feng Shui? What is wrong with me?! I’ve noticed that advertisers are employing models who resemble Taylor Swift. I told my husband, “I want one like that. I could use something cute and perky around the house.” He tells me they’re not toys. Really? Have you watched a Judd Apatow movie? Or been to Texas? With the population exploding, people must look around and say, “I could give that girl something to do. And make a little cash. What’s the harm? There’s only six billion. Give or take.” A sign of the times: we microchip our dogs and track our cell phones but when kids go missing, we see them on the back of a milk carton. If they really wanted to find them, they’d put their picture on things people love. Like wine. Or beer bottles. Or Twinkie wrappers. But then people would complain that by reminding them of real human issues when they sat down to enjoy themselves, we were ruining the moment. Because Twinkies solve so much. Here’s a suggestion: how about when someone has a really stupid idea like, I don’t know, “Let’s capture girls and keep them as sex slaves,” someone says, “That’s a dumb fucking idea.” Are men so weird and desperate that they wouldn’t consider attracting a mate because they took a shower? If they want more than one, just join a religion that treats them like crap but doesn’t tie them in the basement.
Is that too much to ask?!
Does the Taliban know about bacon? Studies show it increases your happiness in direct proportion to your cholesterol. This is what happens when you give a post-menopausal woman a word processor. I think things would be different if women were the ones who got testosterone. First, we’d kick ass. It’s hard to force yourself on someone who’s physically superior to you. We’d also make facial hair a lot more interesting. We’d embrace more than just a handlebar mustache. Hell, we’d hang stuff from it. Put it to work. And give it Keratin treatments. By the time we were done, it’d be decorated for the holidays. Then we’d shove cheesesteaks into our mouths and roll our eyes when guys complained about their weight. Then we’d fart and belch and wonder why we had to tie men to the headboard to get them to spend time with us. It’s an enigma. Actually, we wouldn’t do that. Because we gave birth. It’s the ultimate act of creation. Which is why we’re here. Some people like to create drama. But most of us simply like to create. I’ll start by congratulating the person who created bacon. And the one who came up with cousins. I’d definitely like to keep them around. But if I held them hostage I doubt that would enhance our relationship. (Psychopaths, take a hint here.) In case you’re wondering who bought the care package: September 13, 2015 Phillies 7, Cubs 4 This one's for the cousins: Go Cubs!