I'm From Iowa
I miss some things about living in Iowa:
Watching television from the davenport.
Tying my tennis shoes to play outside.
Enjoying a bubbly can of pop.
Filling my gas tank at the local Kum and Go.
It’s really called that. This was way before you could cross reference your unintentional innuendo on Urban Dictionary. Oops!
However, the funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed in Iowa actually happened in Wisconsin. It all started when the state of Iowa decided to bypass every small town in the northeast corner. As a result, traffic was funneled via superhighways directly into shopping centers in Wisconsin. I think it was called the “fuck the small towns initiative.”
The influx of traffic that rushed into Wisconsin was so profound that recently they built what was called in earlier civilizations, the roundabout. They’d never seen them in Wisconsin so imagine your confusion if you were from Iowa.
Here in Pennsylvania, the first roundabout I encountered was in downtown Easton. I think it holds a Guinness record for “Freaking What?!” The first time I attempted to navigate it, I was sucked in like a tiny leaf whirlpooling into a hurricane. Over time I was numbed to the experience so that even closing my eyes seemed acceptable.
But not in Wisconsin. They’ll shut their eyes if they’re passing another car on a gravel road. So the local newspaper decided to post directions on how to navigate the elusive roundabout.
It was front page news.
Slow news day.
To make matters worse, not only did they build a complicated roundabout, but one exit of said roundabout sent the driver soaring into yet another roundabout. It was a circus act. It was a live game of Frogger. To make matters worse, a Kum and Go exists on an adjoining lot.
It’s said that the average number of attempts to exit the roundabout into the Kum and Go occurs just as you’re running out of gas.
There’s a Viagra joke in there somewhere.
I think there’s a satellite feed that was designed to mock the IQ of people who just want a quick cup of coffee on their way to work.
Lore has it, that a few travelers on a holiday weekend got caught in the current and never came out. It’s the Bermuda circle of the two-state area.
Only no one knows about it.
Because it’s not in Iowa.
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Also check out my novel, The Revolution of Charlotte Smith, which earned 5 stars on Amazon. It's like being trapped for a weekend with cowboys.
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